In 2010, my seams came apart. That's a metaphor, meanies. I did gain weight in 2010, but none of my clothes actually ripped as a result (thankfully). So if 2010 was my undoing, or the residual effects of it at least (2009 wasn't pretty, either. In fact, 2006-2010 were pretty rough, it's safe to assume), 2011 was time to sew it up, not screw it up. I made a promise, for my own personal health, as well as the health of my family and friends, to un-zombify myself. I mean, I do love zombies, of all kinds. But--I was tired of feeling like one. I had too long allowed the past and my perception of it to navigate my feelings and emotions. I was tired of telling the same story to the same people. I was tired of carrying around my insecurities and anger and resentment. I wanted to air out the dirty laundry, but then I wanted to wash it and start wearing it again! I look good in trust and compassion and hope and optimism....but I hadn't been able to really wear them for a long time. And not JUST because I gained weight. I knew I was dating the man I was meant to marry, and I had a son relying on me for guidance and to be an example of what love looks like and how to show it. I owed it to both of them to figure myself out. I owed it to myself. I made the decision that my first priority in 2011 was to get a therapist...because up and until that point, nothing, not even the love and reassurance of my friends+family (which was offered in overwhelming quantities) was really helping me cope with an intensely emotionally abusive situation I had endured for over 5 years.
Therapy isn't for everyone. I've had more than a few people balk at my admission that I sought the services of a therapist. I've had even more balk at the fact that I went through a religiously based charitable organization. For a long time, I didn't think it was for me. But with enough sleepless nights, and Lily Allen lyrics posted on facebook....a girl will try anything. I tried therapy. I LOVED therapy. My counselor was still in school (part of going through a charitable organization usually means reduced or subsidized prices , PhD students trying to earn hours, and pro bono counselors.) However, she was young, and fresh, and eager, which was exactly what I needed. I went through the aforementioned Catholic Charities, who employs United Way to assist in the counseling department (just in case some of you are shying away from the charity on its basis of faith). The whole experience was, for me, very liberating. I sat down in her office the first time and just talked, and talked, and talked, with some minimal directive prodding on her part. I remember a couple months in, my Mom asking me if I felt better, or felt like it was helping to get the perspective of an outsider. I did feel that way...but I also felt like there was something else building up. I couldn't put my finger on it...it was like being in a maze and I was so close to reaching the end, but I just couldn't see it, yet.
When, finally, one day it just happened. I had been tugging at the same weed for almost 2 years...and suddenly there it was, roots and all. The force of pulling it up pretty much knocked me over. That is to say, I had a cliche breakdown in my counselors little office, complete with tears, Kleenex, and
Moreover, what therapy taught me, was the importance in seeking help if you've been in a traumatic situation of any kind! Maybe you don't want to visit your local Dr. Examinatoroftheheadandheart, but ignoring, or burying the bad things that have happened, or that you've witnessed in your life, will only cause a deeper manifestation of your fears and pain. So--especially to victims of domestic abuse: physical, emotional, what have you: Don't wait!! Get out, and get help. You'll never regret that you did!!
Here are some really stellar sources to start with:
http://www.ncadv.org/
http://www.loveisrespect.org/is-this-abuse/types-of-abuse/what-is-emotional-verbal-abuse?gclid=CJqe1Yek7qwCFcPv7QodFy11gA
http://www.thehotline.org/
Because in all seriousness, Robin Williams was right....it really ISN'T your fault.
Man, that really got your Christmas spirit on, right!? Maybe this will instead:
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| Source: http://www.metzgercartoons.com/holiday-single-panels.html |
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