That's all attention that will be paid to my gaffe, so now onto my unfinished list!
22. Cousin bonding!!
23. my sweet Goddaughter with my sweet fiance!
24. a magical moment with Michael....who sparks 90% of the inspiration I have....
25. Finally!! My favorite moment of 2011....It can be no surprise....getting engaged :-) But it was so much more than just accepting a ring, or even a husband. It was, for me, overcoming a fear. You see, the truth of the matter is...Jim had to propose to me a few times before I finally said yes. Three to be exact. I think I've pretty well covered my emotional wounds and subsequent scars. True to form, the scars were making my heart a pretty tough muscle to crack.
The first time he proposed was in a text message. (It's a good thing I didn't say yes to that one. I don't know how I would tell that story to our grandchildren). Jim is my best friend. He was my best friend before he became anything else, and continued to be so after. I confided in him about so many things, and one day I was bemoaning some part of my life...surely relating to single motherhood...the financial strain, the emotional stress, the exhaustion. And he just said it (texted it). "Let's get married." I laughed! Well, I LOLed. And then, surprising himself even, I think, he became indignant. He wanted to know why I thought that was funny. Hadn't it ever crossed my mind?? Did I not see him like that, could I not see this going that way? (By now we were talking on the phone, because I could hardly believe he wasn't pulling my leg. Virtually speaking). I was totally honest. I told him that I loved him, fiercely, but that I wasn't ready for that. I had a little boy depending on me, I was still finding my feet in a new job, new place, new city. Michael would be starting Kindergarten soon. I left out that I was still hurting, scared, scarred. After all, I had been engaged once before. It just wasn't right. So, he dropped it and then we both brushed the remaining awkwardness under the rug by joking about it (in true M&J form).
A few months went by...and he did it again! :-) That persistent guy. This time we were doing laundry. We had moved past the best friends stage at this point. I knew we were teetering on the edge of something big...I just hadn't worked up the courage to yet jump in. But there we were--doing my laundry (I know...I tell this story now and feel like a big idiot--here's this guy helping me do my laundry and I'm so surprised when he suggests marriage). Anyway. Where was I? Oh yes. Fabric softener. So there we are, elbow deep in lint traps and socks...and he just blurts it out, once again, I think, surprising himself. "We should just get married." And again, I break into nervous laughter. He laughs, too and asks me "What!? Seriously...why is it so funny I want to marry you?" I was speechless. This time I couldn't escape those green and gold eyes. He was not kidding...I didn't think. But he looked like this was totally off the top of his head, so I wasn't sure. I took a deep breath...I told him that I wanted a future with him. I knew I did. But I wasn't ready to be anyone's wife. I was scared of making the wrong choices where Michael was concerned. I wanted to be cautious and avoid impulsive risk. I needed to think, and pray, and talk about it...with myself, with God, maybe more with him...and with Michael. I had never even broached the topic of 'step parents'. We were still getting past the fact that his own parents would never live in the same house again! Jim was gracious...but I could tell, this time, he was worried. I knew exactly what he was thinking; she doesn't want this, what I want. I just didn't know how to make him see that I did...I wanted it so much!! But I feared it tremendously at the same time. I desperately feared the possible fall out.
The next time Jim asked me to marry him, he pulled out all the stops. We went to 'Paris' (the Florida brand) and lunched with my parents and Michael. And just as we were about to board a helicopter tour of France (in circle vision), Jim got down on his knee....and pulled Michael next to him. He told us that he loved us. He told me he wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of his life working and loving together, as husband and wife, and as a family. He asked Michael if that would be OK, and Michael said it would with a shy smile. He then took out a ring and asked me...for the last official time...if I would marry him. I started crying, and said yes. When we hugged and kissed, Jim whispered to me that he had wanted it to be perfect. He'd just been asking the wrong person. He understood...he knew what I needed. I needed Michael there. How could I ever promise myself to another man for the rest of my life with out the one who'd really started my life? It was, by far, the most beautiful moment of 2011 for me.
So, I'm happy to see 2012, for all the promise it holds. I can't wait to marry my best friend. I can't wait to solidify the family we have with Michael. And I can't wait to see what the future has in store for us :)
Happy Birthday, my Mr.!!! I love you so very much! Thank you for being the most patient man I've ever met ;-)
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