"purple bags under your eyes
Monday-Friday 8 to 5
toothpaste stains on all your clothes
forget to check if your bra strap shows
as you kiss your kids, you may just start to cry
(just make sure that they won't know)
and like a scene from office space
a total meltdown's taking place
you left the house without your phone
you sort of feel like your brain's on loan
(cue the
You barely make it on a prayer.
How'd that play dough get in there?
Once again, you've shown up late
can't keep time, let alone the date.
Just another Mom who works from 8 to 5
..........Will you ever just stay home????"
The Grammy's were yesterday (if you didn't know that, I'm assuming you work in a mine. Or you're my Mother.) I thought it only appropriate to kick things off with a song! I would have picked Adele, but Rihanna was stuck in my head. And--I'm a working Mom!!! So I have to roll with the punches.....not the deep (no pun intended, Chris Brown. You belong in jail). Perhaps The Civil Wars would have been the most appropriate choice. The name in and of itself is so akin to the feelings I, as a working Mom, experience. It's a constant battle, fighting the redundancy of this title. Being a Mom is already a huge, and a hugely important job. Tack on 40, and for some women, more, hours a week in an office, or elsewhere, and suddenly this monumental job has to be done with limited time and sleep. And let me be clear--I have it easy! I don't have a job where I have to bring work home, unlike so many others. I'm not on my feet all day...I don't deal with a lot of disgruntled people. I'm not up against multiple deadlines. I can't even imagine how some women do this, given the careers they've chosen; or that have chosen them. I also have the support and assistance of a wonderful husband-to-be. And (it must be said) I have a pretty amazing kid, who makes my job easy.
But---I still often miss things, important staples of childhood, that can't be helped, simply because I am at work. Classroom parties, field trips, afternoon snacks...when my child has a school holiday, I have to find child care, or send him off to Grandma and Grandpa's for sometimes an entire week (or two in the summer. I can't go into it. It makes me totally verklempt.) And I don't mean to diminish the life of a stay at home Mom, or imply that they sit around and play all day. I had a stay at home Mom....so I know first hand that, more often than not, it can be even more challenging then getting up and going to an office all day. However; I'm not one. So my point of reference, right now, is as a working Mom. And I've been thinking a lot about that, lately. Well, truthfully, I've thought about it since the day I first sent my child to daycare (also my first day of teaching high school. I like to call it 'the worst day ever'). I am not ashamed that I have a career. I'm not ashamed that I leave my child in the abled hands of someone else after school. I applaud women who make this choice every day. Thank God we DON'T live in a society where only the men work in banks, schools, law firms, hospitals, and...everywhere! We are no longer, as women, bound to our stoves and ironing boards. There are so many options...at home and out in the world! We can have our children, and our jobs. We are able to contribute to the world in so many different ways.
But even as I sing the anthem and the praises of the working Mom, I'm reduced to guilt. There never seems to be enough--of me. I sometimes feel I only give of myself in fractured pieces, whether it's at work, or at home, or in my relationships. And these are the grounds where that internal battle continues to take place. Do I stay or do I go [home]? In the past, the choice, for me, was removed. I had to work. I provided the sole financial support and insurance coverage for myself and my son. So, want to or not, I was a workin' girl! Er---you know what I mean.
Now, however.....my world has changed. And how blessed I am for that! Even in a two parent home, the majority of households in our country rely on both parents to provide an income which is substantial enough to live. For the first time ever I am fortunate, with Jim in our lives, and with the proper budgeting and timing, to be able to consider staying at home full time....or working part time. For years, I've told myself I would jump at that opportunity!! And now that I have it...I'm definitely taking a long look before I leap. Part of me is still a little nervous. Even after the last two years and how wonderful they've been, I hesitate to risk not being self-reliant, or having a back up plan. I wax eternal optimist, but don't let me fool you. It took a long time (and a lot of therapy) for me to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop; the rug to be pulled out from under my feet. It's scary putting all your faith in another person! And I guess, I still hold on to some of that fear. I'm also not sure if I want to sacrifice the almost 6 years I've spent working for the state. Am I ready to give up my job? Do I take the time I need and want to devote myself to raising my child, and any possible future children, knowing that I may never reach that 'dream job' (I won't keep you in suspense; it's not a court reporter!! )? Do I try to do both with these blessings of time and support I've been granted?
It's a little overwhelming. I really am verklempt. Talk amongst yourselves.
Lots to mull over, I have. Regardless of my future, the winds of change are moving in. For now...I'll just drink them in...and breathe.
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