I am a glutton for gossip. I try so hard not to be...but sometimes I don't try so hard, and that's when it gets the best of me. Gossip fodder is easy to come by these days, thanks to our socially networked world. All one has to do is log onto Facebook to get a heavy dose of personal revelations, pictures, interactions, and it's ready; set; GOssip! And every time after I do it, I feel like I've eaten a big mac and fries; kind of sick, hardly satisfied, and always craving more.
Last night, I indulged my habit for 'chewing the fat' (see: Southern Phrases 101), and it went over as expected. It felt really good for about an hour, and then it began to settle in my stomach. My words were particularly spiteful, occurring in the wake of a bad day and a contentious argument which had left me feeling frustrated and hurt. I picked up the phone, called one of my best friends, and proceeded to pick the person apart in the worst kind of way. You know how it is after someone really fries your grits (again, SP 101). You aim for the first place you can think of to cut them down, and it's usually a low blow. It's easy to focus on character flaws and personal grievances, rather than confronting the issue at hand. In those moments of anger, it feels so good to just lash out! But then the aftermath is something of a hangover; at least, for me, anyway.
So I guess today my soul is a little hungover. Because what they don't tell you when you really stick it to someone, is that it's a double-edged sword. Unkindness breeds guilt which breeds resentment which breeds more unkindness. It's as though you're saying, "fine, we'll BOTH feel terrible!" Not a very nice way to treat ourselves, if you ask me. Normally, in situations like that, I try to take a walk, breathe deeply, write about it in my personal journal, meditate, pray. I try to remember who I am, and who my parents taught me to be. Someone with compassion, and empathy. Someone who doesn't endorse vengeance, or spite. It's tough!! But, as I've discovered, if I avoid those 'big macs' for long enough., I'm still able to discern the difference between them and healthy food. When you start visiting that drive-thru every day; taking each opportunity to cut down, or hurt a difficult person in your life, or your past...then you have problems. Because before long, you fail to see the difference between the high road and the low road. You spend your time looking for the next easy out, the next quick fix.
I'm not perfect, and that's OK. Yesterday wasn't the first time I've been ashamed of my words or behavior and it won't be the last. But if I can continue to see it; if I continue to nourish my spirit with good things, and good people, and healing words, I think I'll make it out unscathed.
To that person about whom I said those awful things: I'm very sorry. Unaware as you are that I said it, and unaware as you may be of my remorse, I am truly sorry.
I feel much better! Sushi for lunch, anyone?
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