I remember when LiveJournal was all the rage. OK, well, maybe not all the rage, but I had a raging obsession with a boy who used it, so I became a frequent visitor to his page. I would pour over his deep, meaningful posts about Linkin Park, extracting meaning out of each word in order to better understand his enticingly mysterious 19 year old self. Without knowing it, I was a pioneer of the social media revolution. It marked the beginning of my initiation into digital stalking.
3 times I tried to start my own online journal (you know, in case anyone wanted to analyze why I posted song lyrics from Say Goodbye), but every time the same thing would happen. I would have all these scintillating thoughts in my head (I didn’t just quote DMB… I also liked to cover Coldplay, Jack Johnson, Counting Crows, The Cranberries! The Cranberries, man!). I would sit down, and. Just. And some more of. I wasn’t even brave enough to write someone else’s thoughts down. And then, something happened. Well, lots of things happened, but a big thing happened; my heart got broken for REAL. Like, cry on the bathroom floor, stop eating, lose hope, and wear the same outfit to work 3 days in a row broken. It was pretty gross (the outfit, I mean. I had to walk up a really big hill in Florida heat each morning). But out of that came this amazing flood of emotion. I suddenly had all these things to say, and no matter how much Mr. McDevitt’s typing class had helped, my fingers couldn’t keep up with my thoughts (which were all over the place). They flew out in all different directions landing on everything you can think of; childhood, antiquing, birthing, love, hate, forgivness, Chris Farley, split ends, traveling…the list goes on. I had all this stuff to say.
When I later sat down and read through all that junk I realized why I had to say it. Because I was finally listening to myself. I was finally acknowledging who I was…and who I wasn’t…(like, for instance, I am not a baseball fan. I thought that I was, but I decidedly DON’T care in the least bit about MLB. I AM a Cubs fan, but Cubs fans are obviously not baseball fans, either.). I had never been so confident; so ready to accept me. So—I wrote a declaration of independence. I seceded from the union that prodded my aching heart, and I stated my intentions…for myself. Granted, things have changed since 3 years ago, and when I read this now, I have to smile at some of my demands. But I would smile anyway, because…finally…I sat down and…..
- I deserve someone who respects my beliefs, even if he doesn't agree with them. Someone who isn't afraid to disagree, but does it without making me feel like a lesser person. Someone who loves my friends, even if it's only because they are my friends. Someone who makes sacrifices, even if it's just the little ones like seeing a movie I pick once in awhile. Someone who is grateful for what I do, and who is willing to compromise. I deserve someone who is willing and ready for commitment. And someone who wants it! With me!! I deserve someone who knows I have flaws and doesn't try to fix them. Period. I deserve someone who will let me love him. Someone who will take me dancing. Someone who I can talk to and who listens. Someone who likes to talk to me. Someone who has his priorities straight. Someone who doesn't get jealous, or make me feel like I should be. Someone who doesn't play games! Someone who is mature, and confident, but kind to others. That's a big one…someone who is a genuinely nice, compassionate person. Someone who listens to me when I go on my political rants, or my literary rants, or my rants in general! Someone who knows me, who gets me. Someone who knows himself. Someone who recognizes that we are all we have in this crazy, overwhelming, confusing, terrible, wonderful, tragic, scary, elating experience called life. The best gift we have is each other…and I want a guy who understands that.
I wrote my soon-to-be husband into existence…and I’ve been writing ever since :-)
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